Friday, January 22, 2010

a "Lost" cause?

Watching 5 seasons of "Lost" in 4 weeks is pretty time consuming as it turns out - especially because there's 25 episodes per season. I'm only on season 2 and that's why I've been MIA.
But here's the thing that's got me thinking (if you're not a "Lost" watcher you're welcome to stop now 'cause you won't know what the hell I'm talking about...or keep reading.)
Kate is one of my favorite female characters that I've come across in anything in a long time.* She's capable at everything from handling a gun to fighting to tracking to playing golf and poker. She's complicated and she has a past but she's essentially good, brave - tough yet still feminine. I'd like to be a Kate ... I'm not necessarily ready to be dropped on a desert island any time soon, but still, I'd like to be a Kate. I identify with Kate.
Jon-Barrett, my willing "Lost" companion and cheerleader (he's been watching from the very beginning and loves the series) said tonight that he didn't think I was a Kate and when I was disappointed he suggested that perhaps I only wanted to be a Kate because all the guys are in love with her. Which, yeah, that's a nice bonus, but of course they want to be with her, same reason I want to be her - she's awesome.
But that had me thinking more broadly about my success to failure ratio in life and Hollywood. Maybe the reason I haven't gotten all the things I want out of life yet is because I'm walking around thinking in my head that I'm a Kate while other people are seeing a Sun or Claire or Libby or Shannon. Maybe there's a fundamental disconnect between who I want to be and who I am and all my dreams keep falling off into the abyss between the two. Maybe I need to accept and embrace what other people see in order to move forward rather than insisting on being something else. Or maybe I need to fully embrace my inner Kate before other people can see that in me...Delusion is not something that is in short supply in Los Angeles and there's a fine line between persistently believing in a dream and walking down Sunset at 80 years old in a midriff shirt and purple cowboy boots pushing a shopping cart.
This question of identity and perception is especially relevant to me right now because Jon-Barrett and I have recommitted ourselves to our acting careers this year - new headshots, casting workshops, acting classes, the hunt for an agent etc., it's all on like Donkey Kong in 2010. I have 2 commercial auditions tomorrow (1st time ever by the way that I've racked up 2 in one day!) I'm essentially in the midst of a huge blowout bake sale and I'm what's on the table. But how do I do that if I don't know what I'm selling?
Everyone in this town always says "Just be yourself." I'm not kidding, EVERYONE says that. Right before the part about becoming a better, thinner, bolder, richer, more confident version of yourself that doesn't actually resemble the you that walked in the place. There's this epic struggle to stay authentic in the midst of an industry that's all about playing a part, whether it's on stage, in a film or walking into a coffee shop before work. And it leaves you wondering whos eyes to look through when looking at yourself .
So who am I?
This much I know: I'm 5'3", I have black hair, brown eyes and skin somewhere between the color of steel cut oatmeal with brown sugar and a soy mocha latte. I don't know how to play golf or handle a gun and no, all the guys are not in love with me. I have a daughter. I am complicated and I have a past, but I am essentially good and brave and hopefully the rest will sort itself out.

*Lest there be any confusion, I want to make it clear that I really like ALL the characters on "Lost" ( except Michael sometimes and Ana Lucia) they're incredible actors with well-written storylines and character arcs on an amazing show. If ever there was something worth staying up for until 2am when the baby wakes at 6am - this is it. At least for the next few weeks.

Friday, January 8, 2010

You've got have a motto...

I've had a song stuck in my head off and on for the past few weeks now - ever since the family and I went on our epic road trip to Oregon and started talking about the musical South Pacific. I love musicals and this is a great one. Pretty much every song is memorable and a hit in its own right. But I've never really thought about this particular song much until now.
There must be a reason why it's playing on repeat in my brain so I've decided to make it official: "Happy Talk" is the theme song for my 2010 experience and the motto is: "You've got have a dream, if you don't have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?" Courtesy of Bloody Mary (and Rodgers and Hammerstein.)
I'd write more but I have 6 seasons of "Lost to catch up on before next month!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

The Stars say...

I just wanted to let you know that this standing up straight resolution is going really, really well. I've been a slouch offender since mid-pregnancy in 2008 when my boobs started looking more like grapefruits than clementines. And it's been downhill every since then (for both my boobs and my posture.) Anyway, I'm pretty pleased. And I know that the true test of a resolution comes a month or so in when the initial optimism of the new year has worn off, but I'm celebrating early. In fact, I may even be tempted to make more resolutions. Maybe that's the trick - rather than committing to a whole slew of pies in the sky that are too hard to juggle at once, I should take it one thing at a time and master that before I add anything else. Baby steps. Like my baby :)
And really, what harm is there even if all the pies I throw up there come crashing down on my face? I fucking love pie. My horoscope for this month ended by saying "In all ways, life is getting better and better." Thank you Susan Miller. I hope you're right.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Chin up young person

Happy 2010!
After taking an extended hiatus from our blog, I'm back with more observations, rants, boring stories and other topics that have nothing to do with being a waiter or twitter (my apologies to those of you who are solely Jon-Barrett fans. You'll have to pester him for more writing since my threat tactics only make him giggle. Probably because it involves tickling.)
Now, I'm not promising to write every day or making any half-cocked resolutions about this, but I quietly intend to write at least once a week whether I'm feeling witty or not....
Shoot. That sounds an awful lot like a resolution. My only official resolution this year is to stand up (and sit up ) straight. That's it. To be constantly mindful of my posture. I feel like that's all I can handle for 2010. I need to cleanse my palate of all the overblown and lofty goals that I've set over the past few years. Because it's a really big disappointment to start the year with the intention of getting a lead role in an indie film bound for Sundance and end the year not only not having done that, but not being able to make my $300 car payment come January 1st, AGAIN.
After awhile it feels silly to make a list of how many commercials I'll book and how much money I'll make when I don't even have enough money to buy diapers. And my hard drive on my computer crashed and I need to get my teeth cleaned before my gums start receding because I haven't been to the dentist in 10 years and I somehow managed to gain 10 lbs. over the past few weeks so that even if I did get that magical opportunity to be a Bond girl they'd throw me off the set before I even put my bikini top on.
How do I go from being a 29 year old parent who doesn't even have the very basics of life handled to being a movie star? I don't. That's what it seems like. So some years I resolve and envision and Secret it up with all my big dreams and some years I get practical and make lists about cleaning credit and saving money, but no matter what, I'm still not a movie star and my credit score is still 550.
So, this year I'm just going to stand straight, keep my chin up and breathe. And maybe if I'm lucky I won't cop out on blogging once a week either.