Watching 5 seasons of "Lost" in 4 weeks is pretty time consuming as it turns out - especially because there's 25 episodes per season. I'm only on season 2 and that's why I've been MIA.
But here's the thing that's got me thinking (if you're not a "Lost" watcher you're welcome to stop now 'cause you won't know what the hell I'm talking about...or keep reading.)
Kate is one of my favorite female characters that I've come across in anything in a long time.* She's capable at everything from handling a gun to fighting to tracking to playing golf and poker. She's complicated and she has a past but she's essentially good, brave - tough yet still feminine. I'd like to be a Kate ... I'm not necessarily ready to be dropped on a desert island any time soon, but still, I'd like to be a Kate. I identify with Kate.
Jon-Barrett, my willing "Lost" companion and cheerleader (he's been watching from the very beginning and loves the series) said tonight that he didn't think I was a Kate and when I was disappointed he suggested that perhaps I only wanted to be a Kate because all the guys are in love with her. Which, yeah, that's a nice bonus, but of course they want to be with her, same reason I want to be her - she's awesome.
But that had me thinking more broadly about my success to failure ratio in life and Hollywood. Maybe the reason I haven't gotten all the things I want out of life yet is because I'm walking around thinking in my head that I'm a Kate while other people are seeing a Sun or Claire or Libby or Shannon. Maybe there's a fundamental disconnect between who I want to be and who I am and all my dreams keep falling off into the abyss between the two. Maybe I need to accept and embrace what other people see in order to move forward rather than insisting on being something else. Or maybe I need to fully embrace my inner Kate before other people can see that in me...Delusion is not something that is in short supply in Los Angeles and there's a fine line between persistently believing in a dream and walking down Sunset at 80 years old in a midriff shirt and purple cowboy boots pushing a shopping cart.
This question of identity and perception is especially relevant to me right now because Jon-Barrett and I have recommitted ourselves to our acting careers this year - new headshots, casting workshops, acting classes, the hunt for an agent etc., it's all on like Donkey Kong in 2010. I have 2 commercial auditions tomorrow (1st time ever by the way that I've racked up 2 in one day!) I'm essentially in the midst of a huge blowout bake sale and I'm what's on the table. But how do I do that if I don't know what I'm selling?
Everyone in this town always says "Just be yourself." I'm not kidding, EVERYONE says that. Right before the part about becoming a better, thinner, bolder, richer, more confident version of yourself that doesn't actually resemble the you that walked in the place. There's this epic struggle to stay authentic in the midst of an industry that's all about playing a part, whether it's on stage, in a film or walking into a coffee shop before work. And it leaves you wondering whos eyes to look through when looking at yourself .
So who am I?
This much I know: I'm 5'3", I have black hair, brown eyes and skin somewhere between the color of steel cut oatmeal with brown sugar and a soy mocha latte. I don't know how to play golf or handle a gun and no, all the guys are not in love with me. I have a daughter. I am complicated and I have a past, but I am essentially good and brave and hopefully the rest will sort itself out.
*Lest there be any confusion, I want to make it clear that I really like ALL the characters on "Lost" ( except Michael sometimes and Ana Lucia) they're incredible actors with well-written storylines and character arcs on an amazing show. If ever there was something worth staying up for until 2am when the baby wakes at 6am - this is it. At least for the next few weeks.